Okay, raise your hand if you do this: say you’re cool with doing nothing, waiting until the right thing comes along, but secretly you’re being crushed by your own drive and desire to “do something” and make sure you’re not either wasting your time or doing nothing with your life and end up unsuccessful.
This was (is) me, and probably you too – wanting desperately to prove that you’re independent and powerful and defined by your own triumphs, not the triumphs of another person. And usually, all of this stems from professional desires, right? A job! THE job! Of your dreams! Because how else do you prove your societal success, except by having some excellent, well-paying job?
I think this is especially true for women (and exponentially more so for women of colour and trans women) – we feel this burning drive more than anyone, because we have to prove we can keep up, that we deserve these opportunities (which is all bullshit by the waaaaay! everyone deserves these opportunities).
But tonight, Curtis pointed something out to me as I was explaining my fear of lack of purpose and success and just ending up being a tag-a-long to his success. He said: life is about more than a job, and a job isn’t always what will give you purpose. It’s okay that you don’t live and die by your job, but you can fill your purpose and happiness with other things.
And for me, this was a hard concept to swallow. Because when I’m reading a book, or playing a game, I’m always thinking about how I could be doing something more “productive” or more impactful to this future life I want to live. This ideal, non-existent, pinterest board of a future. And by doing that, I’m ignoring my wonderful, real ‘right now’.
But what could possibly be more productive than filling my cup, metaphorically speaking? What could be a better use of time than doing something that genuinely, sincerely, truly makes me happy? Nothing, probably. Nothing could be more productive than taking care of yourself, and doing those things that make you incandescently happy.
So I’m going to try to keep that at the front of my mind for now. Instead of constantly worrying about deciding on what I’ll do for my future, I’m doing to do something that makes me happy right now. And I know that will ripple forward in the best way, because happiness carries forward. I hope you’ll think about it too, because I love ya!